Some More of the Thinking Thing

Sometimes, you have to wear an old, soft & worn loose shirt, put on a pair of fluffy socks, and turn on your fairy-lights. Wrap yourself up in a blanket under the soft golden glow of your tapestry and create for yourself the kind of environment that warms more than just your body.

Because sometimes, other people leave your life, and suddenly, it’s your own responsibility to help yourself rise from the darkest days. Alone and on your own. There is some fear around needing to do that. And there is also a lot of power.

The bittersweet consequence of losing your best friend is that you become willing to give the person who also deserved to be your best friend this whole time an actual chance. The funny thing about this person is that you don’t like them very much yet, but you still almost always think they’re right… until (sometimes) you think about it and realize they might not be. They accept your analyses and contemplation, however. Sit with them, come up with a solution, sleep on it, and eventually, put it into action… until you think of some more. And they’re willing to work on those issues, too. They’re pretty cool like that.

Here’s the catch: if you want to be this person’s best friend, you have to give yourself the permission to be exactly as messy and ugly and yucky and imperfect as you tend to be – as long as you’re being you. You really have the chance to be completely and truly 400% real with your new best friend…

…because she’s you. And you’ve got to give her a chance.
Perhaps it is true that with every person who once played a significant role in your life, with every such person who then eventually leaves your life, you learn a little more about taking care of yourself. And being kinder to yourself. And hopefully, you become a bit of a better friend to yourself, and begin to do nice things for yourself when you need them.

Sometimes, that means letting yourself cry if you need to, and wherever and with whomever you want. Sometimes, it means making yourself get out of bed at 8 AM no matter how much you hate waking early, because it’s the right thing for you to do, and you know this. Sometimes, it means enabling your stationery-shopping addiction by purchasing that gorgeous turquoise notebook with the white and gold floral patterns on the cover you say you feel drawn to. Sometimes, it means focusing on other people and their problems, because feeling needed feels good, too. Sometimes, it means re-decorating the rooms you call your own and getting that haircut you’ve dreamed about for a year. Sometimes, it means allowing your thoughts to happen in your head. Sometimes, it means writing about how you feel, no matter how real your words make everything feel.

Speaking of, there are parts of my reality that I would like to make more real, so here goes:

1. it’s okay. maybe it’s not okay right now, because it’s too fresh. but some day, it will be okay… and that’s what makes it okay.
2. i will learn to love myself like i’m not waiting for someone else to. i’m going to be a great best friend to myself, and perhaps some day i’ll claim to be with Alice-like confidence.
3. i still love my life very much. i like my classes, and my job, and the people i’m around, and the things i’m doing, and the things i’m going to get to do.
4. i very much want to be alive and here. there was once a time when i cried because i saw an owl and i really wanted to be that owl. because i didn’t want to be me, with my thoughts, memories, and experiences. but i couldn’t be that owl, ever. so, i cried. i cannot make this shit up. but i no longer feel stuck. i’m actually pretty okay with being me.
5. i am so much more my own person than I used to be.
6. i have so many people in my life that i never knew i had.
7. i will eventually manage to disassociate things i love from the memories that currently make them painful. they are still wonderful, enjoyable things that do not need the memories to make them worth my time and attention.
8. i feel like i can tell my mom about anything that’s on my mind. that’s something grown-ups do. i feel closer to my family than i have in a while.
9. some day, i will be good at making decisions on my own. for now, i recognize that i’m allowed to wait until i feel ready to make the big ones.
10. i am and will continue to be the root of much of my pile of Good Things.
11. this list is, and will likely always be, incomplete…

27 Nov, 2019
3:13 AM